i was at the post office this past saturday getting my passport renewed. as i was standing at the desk filling out the remaining paperwork, people around me were going about their business. a woman, who was standing next to me, started commenting on how tall i am. she didn’t really speak english, so it was kind of hard to tell what she was precisely talking about. she kept asking me how tall i am and i kept responding with six feet, which she apparently couldn’t comprehend (i suppose i ought to learn the metric equivalent of six feet). she was jabbering on about my height (literallly jabbering because i couldn’t tell what she was saying) and she kept grabbing my arm and touching me.
now, who gave her the right to touch me? i certainly did not give her permission to touch me.
this is not an isolated incident. people do this to me all the time. it always happens. but i would like to know why.
i mean, i do know why. people who are outliers (such as extremely tall people and extremely short people) are the extremes of society. i am one of these people, i am abnormally tall for a female, and this often times draws attention to me (of the unwanted variety). but why do very short people not suffer the same fate as the very tall? how come you never hear “oh my goodness! you are just so TINY! how short are you?!” well, i know the answer to this. it’s because being tall is seen as an advantage, a good thing, a benefit. being very short is not often associated with these perceived benefits. because being extra tall is a so-called “plus” people are not afraid to publicly comment on extra height, but it is almost taboo to comment on one’s lack there of.
i personally just think it’s strange. and i would prefer for people to stop treating me like a sideshow freak.
okay, let me begin by saying that i have been told that i am a friendly person. i tend to be rather outgoing, and i enjoy engaging others (even those with whom i am not all too familiar) in conversation.
then why, why, whyyyy is it so hard for me to make new friends? let me clarify: why is it hard (in general, for most people) to make friends?
until this past monday i had no one that i was “friends” with or even “acquaintances” with at work. but on monday (oh that glorious monday) another new intern started working at NAMI! her name is michelle and she’s my age and she’s COOL! so right now we’re acquaintances i guess you could call us. we sit at little cubbies next to each other and i told her to come to the all staff meeting with me and get cake after, but does that make her my “friend?” no, no it doesn’t.
but let’s say, hypothetically speaking, that i was staying at NAMI for the rest of the summer (thank god i’m not). what if i wanted to actually be friends with michelle? like hang out with her on the weekend and drink with her or do other things that are social (mostly drinking-related, i presume). how would i go about this? how would i break the ice to move from acquaintance to friend? i mean, i could always say “hey we should hang out/get wasted/drink coffee/braid each others hair (i don’t know if real people do that with friends)” but then it becomes that whole situation where you say “hey let’s do something sometime” and the other person says “hey yeah we should!” and then nothing ever happens. this is a common occurrence, people! i never want to be the one to offer hanging out and then ask for your number and then concretely plan an event because then i look overeager (well, actually i do this a lot and i almost always look overeager but still!).
basically, the whole point of this post is to express my concerns that i’m not going to make any friends when i’m abroad. realistically speaking, i know that i’m going to make lots of friends when i’m abroad but i’m still scared!
"okayy, you’re on a mountain." "BRRRRR" "scratch that, you’re on a boat." "SO COLD" "you’re in front of a fire." "can you put more logs on this fire? it’s like freezing cold in front of this fire." "you’re in hell! you’re in hell and it’s extremely hot and you’re going to be here forever. what’re you doing on your phone again?" "well if i’m going to be here forever, i’m going to play angry birds."
“so, i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe we’ll never know most of them. but even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. we can still do things. and we can try to feel okay about them.”—stephen chbosky
twentyeight: a moment i remember being completely happy in and why i believe i was. what is my definition of happiness?
you know what is sad? i couldn’t think of any moments in which i was truly happy when i first tried. after a little bit of pondering the subject, i settled on a moment in which i know i was truly happy. but this moment happened over a year ago. OVER A YEAR AGO? jeez louise, has it really been that long? probably not, but no moments in recent months stand out, so here is my memory:
it was last year, in february or march. i was hanging out with the boy that i liked. we were just lying in bed together. he, propped up against the wall, and myself with my head resting on his chest. my head rose and fell with every breath he took and i could hear his heart beat. we were watching animal planet on a sunday afternoon and just talking about life and what we wanted out of it. i had never felt so comfortable around a boy in my life, so at peace. sadly, i haven’t felt that way about a boy since.
why do i believe i was so truly happy in this moment? well, i was head over heels in like with this boy. this curious, intelligent, goofy, sweet boy who was head over heels in like with me. we were passing time together doing some of my favorite things (mainly lying in bed, talking, and watching animal planet). i felt so safe and so wonderful, and i often times wish that i could go back to this moment.
my definition of happiness, you ask? happiness is rising above contentedness to a higher plane of existence. it is only temporary, for if true happiness were a constant thing then it would have to be redefined as contentedness. i don’t know what else happiness is, but i know it is those things.
“there is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. doubt separates people. it is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. it is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.”—
i think love is complete and utter acceptance of another human, seeing their strengths and their weaknesses but still caring for that person regardless. i think love is taking all that another person can give to you and absorbing it into yourself. every moment with that person is a gift, a blessing.
“be confident. too many days are wasted comparing ourselves to others and wishing to be something we aren’t. everybody has their own strengths and their weaknesses, and it is only when you accept everything you are—and aren’t—that you will truly succeed.”—